Pain in the Ass

Literally. I think I fractured my tailbone. Or at least bruised it pretty bad. Saturday night Bing and T, CGN and Dr. D. and a few other friends all piled in a cab to go to a Russian whore themed party. Our friend Lucky has been living in a mansion for free for a few years because the owner has had it on the market and wanted someone to watch over it after the basement flooded and caused a lot of damage. This thing is a for-real mansion. Chandeliers, oil paintings, golden toilet, the works. It looks like a museum. The guy even has a Faberge egg and life sized oil paintings of Tsar Nicholas II and Tsarina Alexandra…my favs! (Yes, I am aware that I am a history dork, I’ve made my peace with it). The 1996 Russian Olympic team stayed there, Playboy had a shoot there, its a cool little mansion. Anyway, the dude finally sold the house and Lucky and her roomies decided to throw one last party at the mansion before they get evicted into the real world. Since the owner is about 100 and has a thing for young Russian whores Lucky decided to have a Russian style pimps and hoes party. I couldn’t figure out what a Russian whore looked like so I dressed as a Russian figure skater. I was so excited that I actually still fit into my high school skating dress! I think it was a hit too. Sexy was not the look I was going for considering the fabric looked like something the Golden Girls would have selected but I got the laughs I was after. I even brought my old skates for added affect.

So we arrived at the party, chit chatted for a while and decided to do our own photo shoot in the playboy room. We had a ball until Bing and another girl decided to pose against the wall. I decided to climb up an antique step stool and join them. But my foot went right through the step. I was mortified! Luckily I fixed it quickly then in my immense embarrassment scampered out of the room and went back downstairs where I thought I couldn’t break anything. Wrong. I broke me.

I had my shoes in my hand because I didn’t want to put my gross simpleton shoes all over the fancy furniture upstairs and I was wearing tights. Well, stockinged feet, fast scampering and slick hardwood stairs resulted in my ass going bump bump bump down the last three. The partygoers in the basement looked at me like the idiot I was and asked if I was okay. “Of course!” I drunkenly replied, grabbed another beer and continued my scamper of embarrassment out to the porch. Good thing the mansion is so big, plenty of places to hide from my growing list of shame!

The party was actually a lot of fun and we continued to party back and Bing and T’s condo later on. Thanks to the booze I was feeling no pain, just slight soreness. So I laughed as Dr.D. mutated into the Destructor and took out Bing’s patio furniture, made an attempt to take down the door frame and paraded around butt ass naked with his buddy mini-destructor (T). The girls shook their heads, the boys did ridiculous things to amuse us and all in all a good time was had by everyone.

Fast forward to Sunday morning. I woke up with a lot of pain in my tushy. Getting up and sitting down were a challenge. It didn’t get any better throughout the day as I lazed on Bing’s couch, unable to muster up the courage to drive my stick shift home and climb up three flights of stairs. I finally made it home and managed to find a position on the couch that didn’t make me want to shoot myself. I went to bed thinking the next day would be better but as I woke up for the 30th time during the night I felt like the pain was getting worse.

I called my Dad this morning because he broke his tailbone about a year ago and asked for advice. Should I go to the doctor or not? He said there’s no point in going to the doctor because they can’t do anything to fix it. As long as my feet or toes weren’t tingling there’s probably no nerve damage. All the doctor would do would be to take an x-ray, confirm the fracture, give me a doughnut to sit on and a prescription for pain killers. I only have $43 in my bank account right now so I opted to just tough it out. He made about 1,000 ass jokes and told me it’d be cheaper and equally as effective to just spend the money on a few bottles of wine. Thanks Dad. But as the pain gets worse I’m thinking of taking his advice!

So I guess the moral of the story is to always wear your shoes when flying down the stairs. Oh yeah, and don’t be a drunken idiot. But I bet I won’t take my own advice. Where’s the fun in that! I may have a sore bum for a week or two but I got a great story out of it! Guess I won’t be going to the gym this week.

Little bouncy egg-rock thingy

I was watching TV at Bing’s house this weekend, waiting to go out for her yummy birthday dinner and I saw a commercial for WebMd’s Depression quiz. I normally don’t put much stock in sites like WebMd because medicine is so situational and personal and that site can make you think you have a tumor when it’s really just bad gas. But for some reason I felt drawn to it and decided to take it. I tried to be as objective as I could and answer the questions honestly. It said I have symptoms of major depression. I wasn’t really all that surprised, I still feel the quiz is sorta rigged to sway in that direction. That way more people think about talking to their doctor about depression (which is not necessarily a bad thing) and then pharmaceutical companies make more money. (They did say paranoia was a symptom! Though not one I normally experience )

I have been feeling really down lately which is odd because I have also been having a lot of fun too. This weekend was a blast. Friday we went to VaHi for Bing’s “Pub Stall” (Hahaha! It was supposed to be a pub crawl but we ended up camping out at Dark Horse the whole night). Saturday was ASP’s 1 AM wedding. We went to eat at Atkins Park beforehand. The whole experience was crazy and fun and everyone was happy for the newly married couple! Sunday we went to TWO Urban Licks for Bing’s birthday and tried out a new bar by my condo. Overall, really fun weekend. But once I got home it was back to depressiontopia.

I know the major reason is that I’m still hurting over the breakup. And granted its been a LONG time since I’ve been in a serious relationship but I don’t feel like I’m making any progress. Is it supposed to take this long? I cry at least once a day. Hard. It’s not always about him but it usually is, I miss him a lot. I made this mistake of listening to a video of him earlier (like I said before, glutton for punishment) and it’s been a while since I spoke to him so the sound of his voice triggered an instant water fountain. He’s been distancing himself from me lately, something about “being responsible with my feelings.” Whatever. I’ve always been very emotional. I cry at movies, commercials, hell I just got done sobbing over the Holocaust episode of CSI: NY. But I think its been a lot worse lately. There have been a few times that I’ve broken down and I don’t even know why. I just feel sad and hopeless. Like I don’t have a real reason to do anything and I kinda just keep plugging away through life.

Hopefully this dark cloud will pass soon. I’m tired of being cranky and irritable with my kids, I’m even more cynical and judgemental than I used to be. I kinda get on my own nerves sometimes. I’m over feeling alone and jealous of other people’s fortunes. I’m unmotivated and starting to care a lot less about work. I feel like I used to be happy, not a freakin cheerleader or anything, I’ve always had a quasi-sarcastic outlook on life. But I used to be a more interesting person. Now I just complain all the time. Blah. I’m even annoyed with myself for writing this. Self-perpetuating cycle anyone? I’m hoping this is simply a bump in the road related to a few bad situations- breakup, sucky job, weight gain. I’m hoping it’ll go away and I don’t need to get that bouncy egg-rock pill.  I’m not looking for sympathy here, just seeing if writing it out will help get some of it off of my mind.

And the winner is….. not me

So about a month ago I found out that our department chair is taking a new job at the county level and he’ll be leaving in the middle of the semester. He told me that he had recommended me to be the new department chair. Two of our assistant principals had also done the same. Even the principal had told me that he would be offering me the job. Mr. S (the current department chair) spaketh these words verbatim: “You are going to be named acting department chair, we’ll get together and I’ll show you what you need to know.” So going into today’s department meeting I knew Mr. S. would be announcing the new department chair and I was pretty darn sure it would be me. So I get to the meeting, listen to Mr. S. announce his departure, listen to the gasps from those who didn’t know and listen for my name. I had my humble yet superior face on and was ready to thank him when he spaketh these words: “…and the new department chair is going to be Mr. Newbie von Asshat.” ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!?

I felt my face turn a deep shade of pink and felt my lips ooze from my sly smile into a stunned little circle. Mr. S. wouldn’t look at me though he did tell me later that he’d call me with details. My phone has yet to ring tonight. I immediately pulled myself together and looked around for Newbie von Asshat but he wasn’t even there. He had called in sick and hadn’t even gotten a sub for the day, I was informed. Seriously? They went with the new guy and he hadn’t even bothered to show up that day? Come on! I’ve worked my ass off for this school and they couldn’t even bother to give me the heads up that they had changed course.

So I’m not going to be working anymore looooong hours. If the grades don’t get done they don’t get done. If my SGA and PLC chair responsibilities begin to slip you’ll find many more that care more than me. If I can’t get a modicum of respect from these people then I’m officially checking out. I’m gonna show up, get my job done and go home. I dare someone to ask me to take on something new unless there’s a dollar sign attached to it.  And the more I continue to get jacked over by this new fuckface principal the more seriously I’m considering an offer I had from another school in the county. Although knowing this school system they’ll probably rescind the offer the day after I give my notice to Fuckwad High.

I don’t blame Mr. S. He’s a good friend and I know he pulled for me. It would have been nice of him to keep me in the loop but it’s not his fault. I blame ole Principal Fuckface. The eternal politician. They guy who wants to say the right thing to everyone but not actually come through with anything. I discovered his nightmarishness during homecoming when I could never get an answer out of him but now he’s completely lost my respect. I faaaart in his general direction! His mother was a hamster and his father smelled of elderberries! (My AP class is doing medieval Europe and I just showed Monty Python).

Anyway, it’s probably for the best. The job sounds like a never-ending parade of nuisances. Plus I would have had to spend more time with Principal Fuckface. So really, I win.

Whoreface Update

Remember the whoreface I wrote about that kept ruining the UGA game at the lame party I went to the day after Sax dumped me? Well I have a whorey little update. CGN told me that her hubby, Dr. D, actually got in trouble with the hosts for bringing me. They apparently didn’t want their guests to bring guests. How rude! It’s not like they brought 15 people with them, that would be cause to say something to the offending guest. They brought one person who knew half the people at the party. I would never chastise one of my friends for bringing an extra person to my party, much less the best friend of the guest who just went through a painful breakup! Lots of people bring add-ons to a party. I’ve never been to one where that didn’t happen. I mean if they were hosting a sit down dinner party and they had place settings and food for a predetermined number of people, okay, pitch a fit, totally warranted. But these idiots had pizza and chips & salsa. I even brought my own beer. The only thing they were out was the water I flushed down the toilet the two times I peed. I’ll write them a check for 37 cents if that’s what’s pissing the whorefaces off.

Bing and I hosted Spooktacular on Halloween and several people brought a friend. Did I act like a whoreface and tell the invited guest they shouldn’t have done that? No! The more the merrier, it’s a freakin party for fuck’s sake! I did get a bit of redemption however. The boyfriend of Whoreface’s friend, the hostess of the lame party, saw the pictures from Spooktacular and commented that it looked like a lot more fun than his boring Halloween. Haha sucker! Too bad your girlfriend is super lame and a whoreface. You could’ve been an add-on and had a great time at my super awesome party.

I Do This To Myself

It appears that I may be obsessed with self-torture. I am turning into a love sadist. I wanted to clear all of Sgt. Sax’s old text messages out of my phone so I wouldn’t have to see them every time I open my texts but I didn’t have the heart to just erase them altogether. So I just sat here for the past hour and a half sadistically copying every one of them into a Word document on the new computer he just bought me. I remembered some of them with a smile, some with a laugh and some brought tears to my eyes. I sort of relived the last few months of the relationship all over again. He was SO sweet. (Of course I didn’t save the annoying ones). He wrote me the most beautiful poems and said the most touching things a girl could ever want to hear. It’s hard to believe that a man who opened his soul so widely to me decided to do a 180 and let me go. It was especially hard once I got to the September texts. A few days before we split he was telling me how much he was looking forward to seeing me and how much he loved me. I kept thinking to myself, here it comes, here it comes. The shock from the blue. And then there it was, the heart wrenching messages from the moments after our break up. The hope that popped up a few days afterward as we professed how much we missed each other. The realization that we wouldn’t be getting back together. The re-realization that I’m still in love with him and would take him back in a heartbeat. Why do I insist on putting myself through this? I’m one sick puppy.

The girls are all going out tonight for ASP’s bachelorette party and they’re all meeting at my place which means I need to get off my ass and clean up the remaining remnants of Spooktacular and decorate for ASPtacular. I convinced myself this week that when we go out tonight I’m going to meet some amazing new man. Now I don’t know. I’m gonna try and get my head in the game and try to scope out some lucky guy but it’s gonna be hard with Sax in the back of my head texting funny rhymes and calling me his carrot. Once again, I spent this week thinking I was doing pretty good in the quest to get over him and once again I find myself curled up in a sad little ball of Saxlessness.

I want to call him and ask him if he misses me as much as I miss him. I wonder if he thinks of me as often as I think of him. He’s still the first thing I think of when I wake up (after cursing the earliness of my job) and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep. I’m seriously addicted to this self-torture routine. I think the only way I’m gonna cure this addiction is to replace him with someone new but dude, it’s so hard to meet people. It took me forever just to meet Sax. Gah! To make matters worse this Monday would have been our 1 year anniversary.

CGN and Bing told me that I’m just gonna have to wait till all the married men have gotten divorced and gotten over their divorces. Either that or find someone who is 40. That really depressed me! I don’t want to wait till I’m 36 to meet someone and I don’t want to date someone 10 years my senior! I’m sick of thinking about it but it’s constantly rising to the forefront of my thoughts. I shove it down and up it pops again. Grrrr! This whole getting over someone thing sucks. Stupid love-sadist thoughts. Be gone!

OK, self-pity time over. Gotta go clean and celebrate someone else’s good fortune. Yay for ASP and her sweetie and yay for reusing all my bachy decorations! Tonight’s gonna be a good good night. (I hope )

Deck the Halls with Goblins and Turkeys

Is it just me or does Christmas come earlier every year? Don’t get me wrong, Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday season. But I think part of the reason it has lost some of its magic is because of its increasingly early entrance. How am I supposed to feel holly and jolly when I’ve had tinsel in my face for more than two months? Christmas becomes less special and more ordinary. If I see the decorations every day they cease to inspire yuletide cheer and just become part of my normal scenery.

Example. Bing and I threw our 3rd annual Spooktacular Halloween party (to much success might I add). We were looking for some new decorations because some of our old ones had gotten pretty tatty. We went to Bed, Bath and Beyond, Target, Kroger, Publix and came back almost empty handed. I know it seems weird to shop for decor at a grocery store but Kroger usually has some decent holiday junk in their seasonal aisle. Target had some picked over decorations left but most of them were damaged or broken. Fine by me, we scooped them up along with a 20% discount! Every store we went to, however, had a massive display of Christmas decorations! Seriously? It’s still October and I can’t find Halloween decorations because Christmas has already taken over? Ridiculous!

I know some people want to get a jump-start on their shopping and need to get materials for decorations but does that mean that the mall needs to have their 9 ft. tall tree displayed during the last week of October? I don’t think stores and streets need to be adorned till mid-November at the least. I was driving to work on October 30th and the town I work in already had their street lamps decorated with wreaths and candles. The big tree in the front of the police station has been up since just after Labor Day, they’ve probably been chomping at the bit to flip the switch that lights it up. I’m still hung over from Halloween, I don’t need Santa sticking his pudgy finger in my face telling me how naughty I’ve been this year till I’ve at least grasped the fact that I have to endure another Thanksgiving with the family von wierd.

I can’t wait to put up all of my pretty decorations and bask in the glow of twinkle lights but I want it to remain special. I want to feel just a little something different in the air during Christmastime so I’m gonna leave the Christmas CDs in their cases, leave my ornaments in the closet and wait until its good and damn appropriate to enjoy them. Egg nog: I love you but stay away from my fat ass till December 1st!

Relapse

I don’t know what’s gotten into me the past few days. I was doing so well, I missed Sgt. Sax but it wasn’t affecting my daily life in any way, just kinda this nagging thing in the back of my head. But geez the last few days have been bad. I’ve started crying out of nowhere because I miss him so much, every song reminds me of him, even parts of my lectures on the Islamic Empires remind me of him. Probably because he’s learning Urdu and that’s mentioned in my lesson on the Mughal Empire. I feel like I’m relapsing and losing the ground I had gained. It’s just as painful as the week after we split. (Not the actual week of, I was too busy being angry that week).

He just may be the best ex-boyfriend ever though. We still talk from time to time and he decided to get me a new computer for my birthday because he knows how crappy my current one is. I’m so excited to get it! It’s a totally extravagant gift considering our current state of affairs but man I’m so grateful!

Productivity

I’ve been uncharacteristically busy today though I still feel characteristically behind! There seems to be no end to the laundry list of crap that needs to get done. I did a few lessons for my online class, though I really should have finished all of them and been done with it for good. I read some of the new Dan Brown book which even though it’s about as productive as watching TV, reading always makes me feel a little like I got something done. I started cleaning my condo, though man, I have so much more to do! I’ve been working on it all day and barely feel like I’ve made a dent. I don’t need to do a light cleaning, I need to do some serious work, especially since the last time it was really clean in here was when Sgt. Sax cleaned up for me two months ago! I have to find places for all the new stuff I brought back from Grama’s house. Gotta hang pictures, go through my old things and get rid of some of it. I posted an ad for my lamp on Craigslist (http://atlanta.craigslist.org/atl/hsh/1427217149.html get a deal!) I still have boxes in my bedroom to go through. It’s so daunting! I had no idea how much junk I could fit into a 814 square foot condo! My storage space is currently nonexistent. I’ve got a pile of old mail to go through, bills to ignore and I haven’t even looked at the giant pile of grading I brought home not to mention lesson plans! Though I’ve gotta say, having some time to spend on this mess (we’re on Fall Break yay!) is great. I’ve been letting it all pile up since I’ve been so crazy busy.

The tough part is that as I’m cleaning I keep fining Sgt. Sax momentos. It’s really sad. I still miss him. I’d been doing pretty well but for some reason the past few days have been a bit emotional. Can’t blame the usual suspect, not even close to that time of the month. I think I’m just feeling a tad lonely. I spent Friday night listening to CGN and Bing discuss their hubbies and though they get seriously aggravated with them I can tell they really love their boys. I love them too. It’s nice to get hugs from boys sometimes, even if they belong to someone else.   :) (They’re like my brothers, don’t get any ideas…) I feel like I’ve spent a lot of time this weekend doing things to ignore how much I miss Sax and avoid feeling lonely. But hey, at least the kitchen is clean! Any excuse to get my butt moving is a good excuse.

Culture Clash

A lot of times the reason I can’t stand going to work isn’t the actual job but the kids! There’s a culture of stupidity and disrespect that’s glorified and encouraged and it just drives me nuts. Here are some of the things I’ve heard in the past few days as I’ve sat at my desk with my door open during class change:

“Fuck you nigga”

Dis shit be stupid”

“I’m baaaad nigga I be on da block”

Come on, you idiots. I realize that some of this can be attributed to song lyrics they sing in the halls and trying to look cool in front of their friends but that’s part of this culture of stupidity. I was listening to a song in the car with Sax a while back and I told him that I really liked the song. A few minutes later he says “Why you gotta be so mad at me fo?” I said “huh?” He kept repeating it as I became increasingly confused at the ghettofication of my then boyfriend. Finally he informed me that it was from the song I professed liking so much! Damn it! I hadn’t even noticed. I’ve become so used to hearing bad grammar that that dumb ass line had completely escaped me!

It’s not just bad grammar which is evident in every song and movie line that mentions “axing” questions. It’s the blatant acceptance of a life less ordinary. How are these kids gonna perform at a job interview? Who’s going to hire someone who can’t show up on time, look professional and treat superiors with respect. If they do get a job they’re gonna get fired faster than they can come up with a smart ass remark.

Another example. Our school has uniforms, not the awful plaid skirt and button down shirt I had to wear, just khakis or black slacks and a polo shirt. Guys have to tuck them in and keep their pants above their ass. (A daily challenge. Damn I’m sick of saying pull up your pants!) And the girls have to keep their boobies under control. I’ve been battling this one chick for 6 weeks now. She’s had detention, I’ve informed her mom, still she continues to be super hoochie. She either rolls her shirt to just under her boobs or wears high waisted pants to just under her boobs. The kid is obsessed with her fucking boobs. She’s gonna need an obstetrition before the school year is out. I’m so sick of saying the same thing to her everyday and she’s sick of hearing it. So instead of just untucking her damn shirt she yells at me and storms down the hallway like I’m just gonna let that slide. She told me to mind my own business, leave her alone, she’s won’t do it, etc. I followed her chanting “untuck the shirt” till she finally did it. She then whirled around and said, “ happy now bruh? Damn!” Ummm… last I check we weren’t related so I can’t be your “bruh,” and no I’m not happy. I’m so sick of being disrespected by these friggin asshole kids! I wrote her ass up and included a copy of the letter to her mom just to make sure the referral sticks. In the same 5 minute span (this was during my lunch time, the 25 kid free minutes I’m supposed to get, so there shouldn’t have been kids on the hall anyway) I hear a kid in the hall yelling “fuck you nigga!’ I yelled out of the door, “watch your language!” He yells back, “you watch YOUR language!” Ooooo that set me off! I ran to the door and couldn’t figure out who had said it but what I did see was my arch nemesis teacher walking down the hall with the group of future juvies and she didn’t say a thing. Seriously?

I’ve absolutely had it with their disrespect for adults and their disrespect for themselves. How in the hell are you going to get out of this ghetto if you don’t get your act together? It’s not like they don’t know. We’ve had and continue to have members of the community come speak to them about making something of themselves and what’s required to hack it in the real world. They just don’t give a shit. They honestly don’t. It;s so despressing. They might as well swing on a teacher and a cop (which I saw last week) because it doesn’t matter. They’ve already decided they’ll never get out of this zip code much less go to college or get a job that doesn’t involve cleaning a grease trap. It’s so frustrating and I don’t know how to combat it anymore.  Fuck dis shit.

Atlanta Needs an Ark!

Holy flooding batman! Atlanta is underwater! In all my years in this city I’ve seen some strange weather but this drowns them all. I’ve seen a tornado rip through downtown while I sat 5 miles away completely unaware. I sat happily on CGN’s deck sipping drinks in a light jacket on Saturday while Sunday brought a snow storm. I’ve seen the droughts and the blizzards. But I’ve never seen school closings because of flooding. That’s a first. Although ten bucks says that although all the neighboring counties are out, mine will be open. I’m kinda on the fence about it. While I’d love a day off I also don’t want more homes to be destroyed or more people and animals to get hurt or drown. Can God just dump a boatload of water directly on my school and not hit anything else?

The storm got so intense and loud last night that I freaked out and slept with the light on. Then my roof started leaking and is now dripping through my ceiling. Driving to work this morning was truly scary and I even had to flip on my hazards at one point. But I’m definitely better of than the folks a few miles north who really lost a lot. Their cars and homes are completely submersed in several areas. I should be careful what I wish for, I might find myself on top of Stone Mountain with two soggy cats waiting for the DOT to build an ark with our stimulus money.